G.O.T. I.T.
When it comes to the tech side of setting up Websites I’m one of those people who sometimes knows just enough to get into trouble. I can always work it out when I have time, but currently do not have that time to dig in and enjoy finding the solution.
And I’ve got two Web sites jumping now. One will get more social media interaction and attention than this one.
Other things going, so much.
1. Daddyism – I’m discovering all the things needed to attempt to be a good parent; one who is always attentive without giving the boys everything they think they need. Unbidden kisses and hugs in return more than make up for the strange feelings of only being able to push a point so far without trying to rely on logic. THIS does equal THIS in my brain or any non-politically crazy mentally intrenched adult, but the 4-year-old brain doesn’t work that way. Last weekend. Played catch – yup, I did – with a new glove I bought just for the occasion. A lot of fun, I kept it fun, not making it strict “we need to do” this.. I would say a situation of GOT IT, but i don’t even know enough and still getting in trouble. ;-)
2. Music. Envelopment. Last two albums bought were Disturbed’s “Asylum” and Heart’s “Red Velvet Car. both for review purposes though I also have songs coming out of my nose of review copies from everyone. All part of SoundLust.
Going going. Got It?
“Happy Birthday, Daddy,” big hug and a kiss on the cheek from 4-year-old Eddie. Jump on the bed and look at 1-year-old Jack in his crib. Stands up, stretches his arms out and throws his beloved stuffed puppy at me. Over and over.
And, finally, I made it back to be with my parents on my birthday – though I may not spend much time on the actual day. Had a family dinner at the tony Palisades restaurant Saturday and surrounded by love. Happy. Even with new contact lenses not in right, I had a great view of a load of smiling faces.
If you got through all that “icky” then I’m 39 years old. Don’t feel it, don’t care as long as things like the first two paragraphs are happening. People need fulfillment – in whatever way – for happiness and joy.
All the Facebook wishes make me smile – and really I have to leave now for Grand Coulee….
Yesterday we went to a sushi place in Scottsdale after Carrie picked me up at work. I want to go back
Egg Omelet, Philadelphia Roll, Rainbow Roll, Spicy Tuna. All chosen to be happy for younger palates. Carrie and I ate too many bites. Eddie and Jack didn’t eat enough. And Eddie REALLY objected to the idea and quietly and stubbornly faced away from the table. When he wasn’t doing that he was playing and dunking his nigiri-sushi in soy sauce. And dunking. And dunking. And dunking. Added tension to what could have been a fun experience. We knew things weren’t going to go well when Eddie didn’t want to bite into the culinary adventure and abject horror that is … a spring roll.
Mostly there was a kid having a bad day, who stayed silent and heard no a lot. It happens, unfortunately. Jack, too, didn’t eat much though he got into the egg omelet later. But he didn’t seem to be having a whole lot of fun, separate from the food at the table.
It was complicated.
This weekend was marked by change. And unlike so many things, none of it was change merely for the sake of change. Not shifting papers – shifting lives.
Carrie started her first day at work today, Bard Peripheral Vascular in Tempe.
Eddie and Jack started their first day in a new daycare.
I eagerly await the skinny on both. Carrie has the chance to organize and give permanent direction for a new department within the company, or at least within a division of it. I’m not exactly sure. The boys have spent their whole daycare lives in Tucson, so their change is profound. For Jack, 1, there will be confusion but not too many feelings beyond that, I’m guessing. For Eddie, 4, who has been there longer and can talk, and has established relationships with Miss Amber and Miss Elizabeth and friends, it has to be harder. But everyone adapts, and the younger you are, the easier it is – or should be.
You can’t go back; the inexorable, inescapable reality of time – for most mere mortals – is that it won’t stop for you to adjust; it won’t reverse itself for do-overs or to fix those things you really really really wish would rather have not happened. And despite everything that means, both good and bad, it can be no other way. If so, even then, people – of any age – would continue to fail to live in the moment. The push for perfection – where perfection is not needed – already holds too much sway.
There are new beds, new rooms, new stairs, new faucets, new ceilings, new reflections, new angles, new layouts, a new person more regularly in their lives – and four walls. It’s a world of change and they’re getting a big dose of it all at once.
You can’t turn around a life. You can’t retreat a living. It doesn’t do anyone any good.
Carrie moved to Scottsdale this weekend, and since Saturday has slept there; in a place well located to all that Scottsdale has to offer. New place. New job. New – me.
And I tend to downplay my own thing, but, yes, some serious adjustments going on, as well, in my peabrain. My brain has to be alert more during the off-work hours with two amazing children in the house; in my life. With a strong love growing every day; with seemingly everything equally important with equal priority, with me not wanting to screw anything up – and still figuring out what screwing up looks like in these new venues and situations, it’s adjustment that I would indeed wish on my best friends.
It means I’m neglecting some things in my own life to make sure things are going right in others. In very short summary it all means I’m learning, which is always good.
It means I’m now taking the bus on the opposite side of route 50.
My mother died of breast cancer when I was six. I remember a few things about her. Her voice, her red hair, and the way she raised one eyebrow when she laughed. I sometimes wish she’d died when I was younger so I wouldn’t remember her at all. I remember her green eyes.”
– pg 5, “Flight” by Sherman Alexie
In turn, though this quote happens to be about a dead mother, I completely read it through as a quote about a dead father and had to do a double-take after getting about three or four paragraphs past it. I just started the book today. My first exposure to Alexie was through the film Smoke Signals. It was a story and film packed with reflections of a missing father, a failed search and breath-taking takes on the impact he had on the main character’s life. And the final reflection with the shot panning over a river, sticks in my head, though out of context it needs context:
How do we forgive our fathers? Maybe in a dream. Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often, or forever, when we were little? Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage, or making us nervous because there never seemed to be any rage there at all? Do we forgive our fathers for marrying, or not marrying, our mothers? Or divorcing, or not divorcing, our mothers? And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness? Shall we forgive them for pushing, or leaning? For shutting doors or speaking through walls? For never speaking, or never being silent? Do we forgive our fathers in our age, or in theirs? Or in their deaths, saying it to them or not saying it. If we forgive our fathers, what is left?
Having lost my own father, having occasionally thought how life might have been different with any father figure early on in my life (none after about three to about 10) – who died when I was older but I never met again, it was devastating when I watched Smoke Signals and completely snatched my breath and ripped down tears. It will be again when I watch it again – and I need to read the book, as well. Now, when I do it will have new, painful layers of meaning because of new people in my life who I love dearly and deeply, whose father passed away. The film’s father is flawed, violent absent, as mine undoubtedly was. Still, father, right? And I’m stepping into that role with purpose and an awareness of the awesome responsibility it entails.
(Notes of a beginning)
“With every kiss I love you more, whether on my cheek or theirs.”
That one made me tear up in a big way. Took my breath away.
The lead up. A Saturday spent together, with a SAVORLife HIV/AIDS fundraiser and four hours at the Sidebar, with the end of the Blood Mission challenege to drink only water as my only beverage for 40 days.
Stayed the night. Carrie’s kids came by in the evening of Easter, to say hi, to play.
Carrie said they got on tyhe highway from her father’s place (where her sister Nancy lives too) and Eddie said, “I thought we were going to see my friend, Temple.”
“We are, Carrie says.
“Oh, OK.” big smile.
And Carrie had txted me, now a good time to drop by? Which I missed and she called instead. I saw the text right after they left – 19:06 on Sunday) and I replied, “Yes, drop by again – you’re not too far away :D Hope Eddie had a good time.:
New text: Xxx
New Text: One x for each person in your SUV.
Carrie’s text: “With every kiss I love you more, whether on my cheek or theirs.”
I teared up. That is such a perfect thing to say. It hit me hard in a very good way.”
And I read that AFTER I called mom, to wish her a happy Easter. I ended up on speakerphone, where I wished, Mikayla, Michael, mom, Melissa and Jen, wished them all a happy easter – and then told them about Carrie, about her being my girlfriend (which was the first time I had used that word, she already seems so much more) being over here, and Eddie and Jack being over here, too.
Second time, Eddie has said, as we kissed lightly in front of him, “mom, is he for your pleasure?” Classic.
Well I’m taking off on one of my squeeze-it-in short vacations. Palm Springs drive to meet with mom and stepdad, who are staying with friends, an older gay couple, I believe.
Storms raged through the Phoenix Metro area after two days of rain and everyone got all excited and all – aTwitter
Now it did get pretty windy, and gusts of rain pushed cars across the road a little. I went adrift a little coming home last night and felt the slip and the slide.
SO reviews, guesses, are mixed on how the weather will be on my drive over. Leaving in 50 minutes. A little worried about car holding up but I have had it tuned up recently, with brakes and pads replaced
….. MUSIC will be in the bucket seat!!!
