Self-portrait - 10-31-08
Oct. 31, 20:42 p.m., In Food City Parking lot,
19th Avenue and Indian School Road
Archive for Family & Friends & Me
Dad Buried In San Diego … Somewhere
Hell, knowing him, I’m not even sure he’s buried. He may have had his burned ashes scattered somewhere.
But i have a strong feeling that he’s buried somewhere, that he has a gravestone with his name on it. My last name on it, of course. He went with a woman called Patty. I visited his and Patty’s dwelling exactly once. for a child it was a nightmare, but clearly I am here today.
Call county courthouse blah blah blah. Got that. But it’s kind of out of the spirit of the man, you know? Difference? No. Blah blah blah. The person who marries me and has my children (as I have hers) will understand. Otherwise …
By the way? That little casual phrase I threw out there, “knowing him”? No, I didn’t know him. I’ve written about some of the history I know elsewhere, in previous posts as well. He died and I guess estranged is the world as my, my mom’s, my brother’s communication with him was pretty much ZERO. Blah blah blah.
But in a colleague’s recently vacated cubicle - she moved to a different area of the floor - I found a Thomas San Diego Street Guide. The back index lists schools, golf courses, beaches, casinos, wineries - and cemeteries. It’s reason for being there is for no reason I can ascertain but blah blah blah.
The San Diego cemeteries:
Read the rest of this entry »
Meme: 6-6 Photograph
Dani Cutler, on a different blog I didn’t know she had, tagged me up for this one. I know her from Twitter and her comforting voice as she heaped scormn on both Democrats and Republicans in the later part of this election season.
Her meme is to pick the sixth photograph on the six page of your flickr photos and write about what the hell’s going on there.
I have a couple of private-only photos, but took most of those out so they wouldn’t mess with the count. Then I realized that later today I’m adding about 50 more photos so the actual count is useless. It’s late and the photo happens to coincide with a long blog post I wanted to write anyway. So here’s the photo and a shorter - IE, well edited - post on the context will follow tomorrow.
Meme: 5 Addictions
I kinda lost the plot about how listing your 5 addictions makes one’s blog “Fucking Fabulous” or whether one was just a happy adjunct to the other. Nevertheless, DaGoddess, tagged me for the fulfillment and I’m happy to oblige. I’ll send to others later (part of the “rules”) but ….
Addictions (the keep-it-light version, though the less-light version involves nothing illegal):
1. Ice cream. I’m pretty sure this addiction coincided with moving down to Phoenix, along with a much increased appetite for big iced coke-and-alcohol-based drinks. But ice cream just doesn’t last once bought.
2. Not going to bed. I hate going to bed, I feel I’m wasting time sleeping. However this year my body has taken control more and shuts me down at usually somewhat decent hours, even if I’m sitting in chair. This year I’ve also been sleeping on a couch instead of my bed upstairs. (long story).
3. Writing down my thoughts. Great ideas I come up with, I need to record for later use. Need to pull later into now and write around many of them.
4. Photography. I enjoy grabbing and sticking moments in time that won’t ever be repeated. I find it hard to delete pictures that may have some use and application. I lose myself with camera in hand, and have tireless energy to clamber over anything; to walk run and jog ahead of what’s happening in front of me; to walk close enough to fire to feel and receive 1st degree burns; to ruin shoes and go up to my waist in water for a shot. Through holding a camera for 10 years I’ve found I deliberately but often unconsciously look for different angles to look at the world.
5. Highway driving and listening to music. Together it’s a beautiful combination. My car speakers at this very time are shot. I speed because of it often. I can lose myself from what came before; not that it was necessarily bad, just that it was routine. And pulling out of the parking lot with your own instant bubble is nascent nirvana.
Yeah, this was the keep-it-light version) :-)
Blog Memes - Whatever It Takes
So the only things I’ve been doing on this barren wasteland known as VeryTas is adding friends’ links to the blogroll.
It’s a little worrying that at the moment I’m having the most trouble writing, which, when it comes together, even partly, even half way is what I love the most.
But, whatever. Meme’s suck. But from true friends or growing friends - or potentially more than friends - they mean something because you know they are genuinely curious.
First one, via here from here.
What Do You Like About Christmas?
It should be noted that most of these questions don’t really approach what is liked about Christmas, but through all the answers it would seem a humbug or 4-year-old relationship to the holiday would come out. Or as came across in mine, I just got tired of answering questions and deleted the last two for the sake of a nice round number. That and I honestly find it quite hard to be ungrateful. I’m happy to be lucky, though I can’t always say the reverse is true. I wish some of our family talked more but we’re close.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? —- Wrapping paper when I have time. When I don’t I tend to just not give the gift. Gift bags are OK - for secondary or tertiary gifts.
2. Real tree or artificial? —- Real and there are tree farms so it’s no longer a “killing tree celebration.” But currently I have an artificial. It’s Arizona, the trees are !@#$5 expensive.
3. When do you put up the tree? —- Sometime after Dec. 1 and before Christmas Eve.
4. When do you take the tree down? —- Ideally first couple of weeks in January. Valentine’s Day was the latest. Put up heart ornaments then ;-)
5. Do you like eggnog? —- Hell, yeah. Too much. With or without alcohol. Actually got super phlegmy one year, drank so much.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? —- As a child was definitely the best time. As adult, you start measuring “mine cost this and the one I gave to her cost this” etc. etc. you don’t always but yo start to. Can’t really think of a favorite. First Christmas in England with new stepdad was a lot of fun. I’d say the “gift” was spending time with my mother’s side of the family in Tennessee. First and last time - so far.
7. Hardest person to buy for? —- Stepdad and sister-in-law. First because he has so much. He comes across as not really caring too much what hew receives but you know if you come up with something good he’s very happy.
8. Easiest person to buy for? — Myself. Playing cards and I’m happy. Play with me and I’m ecstatic.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? — Nope. Family has / had three wise men sculptures from Peru, various incarnations of angels. Not a religious holiday for us, more a bonding / family holiday. Doesn’t get very commercial for us, though definitely does for the youngestamongus who get the cheesiest commercial pap a lot of times. It makes them happy is the idea, though so much more would as well, I believe, if the environment around them is cool, is thoughtful from the start.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? —- When I do it, always mail. An e-mail Christmas card is only good for those you only know on line and even then, only those whose addresses you don’t know. An e-mail card means nothing - although if you create it yourself, from own photos / graphics, photoshop and layout programs than it can surpass mailed. One day I DO need to make my own Christmas cards.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? —- Hard to say, don’t usually consider any gift bad. But the one that comes to mind is the year my brother decided he was poor for only certain members of his family while in-laws were well-gifted. (Squeaky wheel and all that is a BIG factor). … He gave me some kind of homemade copy of Metallica’s “One” video - which I’d already had for at least 4 or five years. You just can’t say thanks to that, it’s lame. There’s no thought, there’s barely any expense and really, there’s nothing there worthy of thanks.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? —- Don’t have one. Never to my recollection ever saw the classics. Christmas doesn’t come to me in movies. It’s emotion wasted on non-entities, when your own family is all that’s worthy. Saying that - :-) - i could be forgetting something.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? —- All year, when I see something interesting, and it coincides with having money I buy. The trouble is remembering where I put the damn thing later. They often don’t turn up so Christmas lasts all year as I send on. .. i’ve found that I think i should buy for everyone but the family and extended family has grown larger and larger and my pay has not expanded at the same rate. So, Christmas is always tinged with a little sadness of “I should be doing more.”
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? —- I’ve thought about it a couple of times but I usually get things I want or didn’t know I wanted but think are cool once received. A little pat-rackitis applies here, too! I never have.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? —- Flaming Christmas pudding, with sixpence inside.
16. Lights on the tree? —- What? The concept of a non-light tree seems useless. I’m staring at them now having just put them up today (Dec. 7)
17. Favorite Christmas song? —- Right now? First Noel / Mary Mary by Sarah McClachlan (YouTube link) Actually been a favorite for about the last 18 months. Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping” was at the top for a while. Still like its complete real life, tangental (wow I actually typed that correctly the first time, I usually have problems; oops tangent) approach. A lot of the A Very special Christmas Volume 3, with Natalie Merchant and Chris cornell, smashing Pumpkins, Ole Dirty Bastard (part of a guest stars collective) and others breaking out of the box to deliver beautiful tunes. I can’t seem to find the track listing I have. Having just spent a few too many moments searching, unsuccessfully, the blurb here comes close to listing what I have but the track listing accompanying is like a parallel universe version of what I have. … Also “Do They Know Its Christmas” grounds a person and also happens to be the best sounding charity record ever.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? —- Love to travel at Christmas. journeying is at it’s root and at many levels, what Christmas is all about. Christmas in different locations is a blast. This does seem at odds with my family-centric answers above, but I am multitudes.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? —- Donner. Blitzen. Cupid. Vixen. Dasher, Thrasher. Gate-crasher. Erm, Rudolph. There’s nine right? Nope.
20. Angel on the tree top or star? —- Always been traditional here. It’s a lot of work to put the tree up, it’s full of memories, seems unseemly to put something frivolous atop all of that. Angel for the most part. Star too.
21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning? —- so what’s the point of opening presents on Christmas Eve? Understand if you’re going to be someplace else, and the one gift for kids, I guess to lessen their excitement so they can get to bed. But Christmas Eve is the day before the day for opening presents
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? —- Christmas music in public places is generally Muzak for a wider non-elevator public. The realization that so many kids are disgustingly spoiled and what it will mean years from now and subsequent Christmas with their kids etc etc. Hey, I think about this, you asked. ;-)
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? —- Dice, playing card ornaments. Ornaments that are just very beautifully made. Ornaments that I made as a kid that are still on parents’ tree :-) I like to hide smaller presents in the tree.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ok, jeez this is a lot of questions. I don’t have favorites. Good stuffing. A nice southern pecan pie, steeped in molasses. Baked asparagus. Canned fruit cocktail still in the can. Cool whip from the freezer.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? —- A camera, Canon 50D. But today I just decided that I need to go for a lesser camera. A couple of other family members plus parents offered to pay half but they’ve (parents) started hinting that tough times have hit them and their business this year, too. I could do with a Canon Rebel XS camera package at $800 instead of double and up of that. That way I could also afford other things for others. !@#$%.
Cracked Heels Mean Constant Reminder Of Pain
Cracked heels mean constant reminder of pain. Frankly, that’s a good thing.
For some reason over the last year, my heels have refused to heal. Over the last week or so, about every other day i see blood on my socks, usually just my left one.
I don’t know why it started and I mean to end it at some point, with the world’s greatest collection of balms and ointments to ever grace dry skin.
However, faintly
However, faintly
If I tell you you’re good at that
You’ll stop being good at that
You’ll think what has already come effortlessly
will continue to do so
naturally
Instead, self-consciously, you’ll continue
Doing what you do best - or used to
And ruination by exclamation
And saturated exhortation
That’s damnation
Nothing Done But Life And Fighting To Live
At about 7 p.m. I sit looking into the face of a VERY long Monday at work. Deadlines that require not merely the cooperation of many other people but that they will be present at the right times and in time.
I don’t feel I’ve done anything - except I have, I watched Alexia Marie Roberts birth and I took a walk with a few thousand other people to help raise money for breast cancer research at the start of Breast Cancer Awareness Month (and wondering if the two OOs on October is why October became BCAM, because I don’t know why October except, it had to be some month ….
I look back at this morning’s early Cancer Walk, where, upon seeing photos I humbled myself by how bad I look physically at the moment. Except, I didn’t mind too much today because I was having a lot of fun greeting people like I owned the place and taking pictures like, well, like I usually do. That is, using my long legs and general speed to walk fast ahead and focus back, to position myself to get the angles, the motion and the expressions - and to take a mix of posed and mostly non-posed photos.
This time it wasn’t for a newspaper, but I treated it just the same. … I was the “unofficial official” event photographer for Sprouts, as part of the 30-plus strong team. Naturally, I volunteered myself for the position.
Blogroll, What’s Going On Over There?
Suffice it to say, I need to populate my blogroll. I have plenty in mind, just haven’t done it.
But of those I have ….
Go Gameface - A new look, new things to do for members of the fairly new Web site geared toward woman who enjoy sports, from stats to spats, it’s a growing community not merely a presence.
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Rajen Nair, a part-time photographer in India, has a new photo gallery of a pilgrimage attraction, “Ganesh Chaturthi - Lalbaugcha Raja” It all seems exotic, of course, but they are some top-notch photos mixed in amongst the general journalism feel of these particular photos.
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Howard Owens - though I continue to disagree (likely because of personal preference) with Howard on the WOW factor of video for online usefulness - his last few posts have been on fire and a balanced look at what’s going on and what’s needed in the world of journalism in the 21st century. He recognizes that, sure journalists, editors and owners, were slow to pick up on some / many elements of the new wave of journalism, but he recognizes, too, that there are many more societal factors involved in the declining profitability of newspapers than that. Go from his most recent post about a frequent subject, the viability of local journalism, to an online-only journo effort (which explains his Batavia little league tweets) and his take on differentiating between print and online publication, which happily throws people’s own words back at them in the face of their skepticism of the general idea.
Also, I should note Howard focuses on video - or anything - done RIGHT, not just there to be there, though it has to start “somethere” On his Twitter feed, he also points to the sickness that is eminent domain - of nature -
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GlowStormLion - Has slowed down some on his Million Dollar Poetry Project, but I’ve offered him an idea to feature any political-oriented poems he writes on the soon-to-be-relaunched PolState.com
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Dagoddess, most recently her great dragonfly shot, but it seems to me that DG is most strong when writing about the travails of raising children. Her children to be more specific.
ETC ETC
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Tyler Hurst, a Twitter bud does a great job of snapshotting what he does ands where he does I need to add him.
Along Twitter lines, LaDawn does a great job of reminding me and others of music that may have whooshed by, only briefly noticed when they should have been dwelled upon. Which is good because her Web site is dead since February, I believe. She recently pointed to Andrew Bird and these crazy lyrics to “Fake Palindromes.”
A super analytical look at the future of advertising in social media. Analytical and packed with numbers but still a breeze to read. It helps that I agree.
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On Government Hand Outs
Glenn Greenwald is on my blogroll because he often says the things I want to say. Certainly not always but he’s being paid to blog and he does s, often quite well. Here’s his take on the government hand outs to banks:
We’ve retroactively created a win-only system where the wealthiest corporations and their shareholders are free to gamble for as long as they win and then force others who have no upside to pay for their losses. Watching Wall St. erupt with an orgy of celebration on Friday after it became clear the Government (i.e., you) would pay for their disaster was literally nauseating, as the very people who wreaked this havoc are now being rewarded.
In a nutshell - making allowances for everything not covered in one quotation - that’s my take. I hope I get time / make time for a better more in-depth post of my own on this. See also - not on blogroll - Christopher Penn’s take on the hand outs, which flesh out my view.
One final thing on “my view” - just because I have to get it out there, it’s killing me - what’s galling about this isn’t only that these handouts are necessary in a world where these supposed intelligent men and woman should hav ebeen able to stop themselves, but that the people supporting this with effusive sympathy, won’t and don’t support people who, for a variety of no-fault reasons find themselves on the short end of the stick, however temporarily. It’s hard not to give a big FU to such one-sided, close-minded views of society.
(One last link- Like I might choke, CEOs might balk at cooperating with new laws if their pay is effected. It’s lucky I’m not in the room with any of these a-holes. Correct response to Secretary Paulson? Thank you for your input regarding “the little guy’s plight”. Now, please shut up and do what the law is about to tell you to do. Whether that law is necessary - more of that future post)
(PSST nothing to do with anything on my blogroll but let’s throw this in here before I forget: W THE FILM - While leaning close to glamourizing idiocy early, “W” does a great job of painting a pathetic partier who stumbled his way to a presidency. However, when has this type of story ever done well on film? Charlie Chaplin? A lot more humor with “The Tramp.” With no sad for the world consequences.
I’m Related To This Guy @ Onasia.com
Peter Charlesworth**, news photographer with Time and Newsweek covers, is the nephew of my stepdad, Michael Charlesworth. My mom and stepdad have a few $100,000 worth of seed-money invested in the Onasia Photo Agency, based in Asia and the south Asia region - and a little beyond to Australia. The company is less than 10 years old.
They were, apparently, all over the Beijing Olympics.
I actually subscribed to both Time and Newsweek when I saw several Peter Charlesworth images in the magazine. I’ve kept them all from that time and need to filter through and toss a few that don’t have his name in them.
I know Peter has a copy of several 100 high-quality images of old, colonial India - all sepia-toned that i would like to talk to him about in relation to Desicritics.org I could understand not giving over the images, but to my knowledge they are not part of a for sale library of images.
I like this notice at the site, pushing the rights of photographers and the often taken-for-granted work and danger they put themselves in:
Copyright and Our Photographers
Each photographer’s work represents a valuable creative legacy that should remain their own. We are committed to protecting photographers’ copyright. By safeguarding photographers’ copyright, we seek to support the essential independence photographers need both artistically and journalistically to produce great stories and images. Each of our photographers represents a unique area of specialization. Some are new talents, while others are established names. All are making important contributions to the world of photography in Asia.
** NOTE, I can’t get a direct link but cscroll down the list of names at right to Peter. UPDATE, I found a direct link - hooray …….
Half-Truths And Promiscuity
I’ve just exhausted myself mentally out of writing productivity, except in this post where sprints are the reason. The reason why is at the end of the column.
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Canibus completely lost in that LL Cool J “diss exchange.” It seemed to me Canibus was criticizing LL Cool J for admitting to taking drugs. Hello, Canibus? Then Canibus also threw himsef in as the contender wanting to beat the better person and referenced reading LL Cool J’s books and noting his exercised and athletic body. That and Canibus just overall sounds like a whiner. I’d give him something if he sounded good but he doesn’t. In contrast, someone I’ve never heard of - Papoose - punches above his weight in throwing insults at everyone from Ice Cube to Snoop Dogg, to E40, to DMX to Capone to MC Wren to Will Smith, to Jay-Z to plenty of others. But he does it with style, specifics, spot-on humor, a kickin rhythm, and pulling in Jack Nicholson’s famous “A Few Good Men” quote
CHORUS:
if you’re fake you’re fake … real niggas know
if you’re wack, you’re wack … real niggas know
If you’re hot, you’re hot … real niggas know , the truth, the truth
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The guys and gals at Bakno Games have added a much needed feature to their pool and billiards games. I bought their pool game a couple of years ago because it seemed largely that what you aimed for got hit in the way you expected it to. But to keep it interesting, adding a competitive edge, you set up two players just to see what might happen. But if actually playing two players or you’re just aimlessly tooling around. burning time and relaxing, as I am when I rack em up (need to do it in bars more, cause I’m good) you don’t want to keep track of 1 game Temple 1, Jillyfan 2. It should do it automagically for you.
It didn’t, now a new version does. The game says it will also be including snooker and when it does that I’ll buy it. I won’t know because they aren’t clear whether a free update will include this. It’s a smallish company so I’m not sure they’re big on free upgrades ? Also, I have no idea why they call it billiards as I’m only able to play 9-ball in the demo.
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I’m a taste tester at my job as a Sprouts graphic designer (actual title, layout assistant but all three of the assistants assist each other, so. … ). Oh, a COMPLETELY UNOFFICIAL, COMPLETELY DISREGARDED taste-taster but nevertheless, the kitchen counters at Sprouts HQ are often scattered and sometimes teaming with products I’ve never heard of, and some that will never be sold there. It’s kind of fun. Even those that don’t make it, I imagine don’t for a variety of reasons; not only /always taste, but price, or likely interest from customers, or not healthy enough for our standards. And some, of course, ARE sold in other stores, and some I think we WILL actually sell, at some point. It’s kind of vague. Have I established I really don’t know what I’m talking about when it comes to the process? Good.
As of Thursday, my mom’s birthday, I’ve been there a month. Yesssssss. So my first week there I had this scrummy (I can use that word, right?) curry energy bar from a company I now forget. They had a cumin flavored type, as well, but that had too much cumin and it just tasted like consuming mass quantities of the raw spice.
A couple of days ago I noshed down a Karma Pure Protein Bar, orange-cranberry-almond flavor, which was very good. This week after I was told these drinks that have been camped out in the back of the mini-fridge sitting right behind me since I arrived, were leftover samples I started drinking them. FRS healthy energy has two varieties I’ve tried. The orange tastes like medicine and isn’t too pleasant - to me at least. The Wild Berry version is styling though; very tasty. And those are the only two varieties I’ve tried.
Mango chutney was an option my second. I took the small bottle home and it’s very very very good. You have to try hard to mess up mango chutney because it’s just one of those foods that even when it’s bad it’s good (Mango chutney chocolate pizza?? Ok, perhaps not). I knew it from living in England and my parents taking us out to a variety of restaurants.
I’m a very un-picky eater, which isn’t to say I don’t have my definite likes and dislikes, my slurps and my shuns, but I am loathe to waste food and - of the the things I try - I rarely hate anything. I just sometimes know i’ll never willingly eat it again when there are so any other options out there.
Yesterday there was slightly more on the counters than usual. I had a Steaz energy drink. “Organic fuel, vegan and organic rated, made with “Fair-trade certified” green tea. 12 oz cans, I could’ve happily drained a 36 oz can - especially yesterday after the night before when i only slept about an hour.
Then today I had two kinds of embodi drinks. I was told by a couple of people - AGAIN, BY THOSE WHO AREN’T AT ALL BUYERS OR TASTERS - that they weren’t good. Billed as “all the benefits of red wine without the alcohol” - WHA?!?! I hear you cry - I liked them, as well. True, they have a dry (as in wine) taste and leave a slight film around your teeth ands mouth, but that quickly goes away. I can understand why some might not like them. Packed with antioxidants. Also I’ve tried two varieties and there’s a third i have with me; i got them mostly for the bottlecaps, which I collect.
Then there’s the pizza yesterday - made in that kitchen for a picture for the Sprouts flier and different kinds of turkey slices. Man, I’m starting to gain a little weight, just as I was losing it rapidly!!! Then on top of that, there’s the deli downstairs in the building - independently owned and serves all the building’s tenants. They have, that I’ve discovered so far, a nice run in smoothies and wraps.
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Based on this - Dee at Desicritics wrote this - about a writer’s need to bare their soul. I left a lengthy comment and sometime this weekend I’ll post it in altered and expanded (sorry) form here. But it wasn’t a love letter!!! :-O
I’m A Writer, But Love Doesn’t Translate
I’m a writer and I’ve written my fair share of love letters. Reading many of them again, there’s an air of wishful and wistful rather than sensual or sophistication. Partly that’s because as opposed top fiction it’s real life and I’m big on everyday appreciation and showing it in a variety of subtle and overt ways.
I think perhaps, my impressions are colored by knowing the relationships didn’t work out, and I’ve just colored your reading of this, which isn’t and wasn’t a love letter at all. In fact, this could be characterized more as a letter along the lines of, I’m pretty sure this isn’t working but damn I’m curious as to why because you’ve never actually told me.
Before I finish crumpling up this first page and tossing it away, here’s this, circa late 1997. It’s to a person who I was long term friends with and still am. During a summer we also had sex and slept together, often:
XXYYXXYY,
The very first thing I want to do with this letter is express my apology and regret for whatever words of description I put together which caused you such discomfort.In thinking of that lapse moment a chill runs up my back. Words are powerful and I can’t even think of pushing you away by using them carelessly.
I don’t remember what I wrote, but I am sure I had no intention of provoking disapproval. With that in mind I obviously made a misjudgment. I am very sorry and I hope it is a mistake small in measure compared to the activity of other people who have let you down. The rest of this letter is formed around this idea of how I could make that and other errors of judgment.
(DEEP BREATH)By leaps and bounds I increasingly realize the planes of your personality and character which my efforts thus far have yet to harvest. In other words you are a woman who has a mind working overtime.
I am not yet as close as I thought to uncovering and understanding the creative reasoning behind your actions, reactions and decisions. Often there is contradiction, of which you have said you are sometimes aware.
For example, you want to arrive back in America and would be willing to stay at my parents’ house — but only as long as I wasn’t there. Ouch. You said this, though in a different way. Words such as these are confusing to me, sometimes pulling away, sometimes celebratory of our relationship and what I bring to it.
It is very possible to feel both of these, to be both welcoming and cautious. This I do understand. But I can’t get over this one seeming contradiction: You miss me, but you want to wait until days after you come back to see me again, to meet me.
Because, in my ignorance, I can’t quite fathom what this means, I cannot deny I was and am hurt by this. And it isn’t because I feel I am owed anything but because I do not understand what kind of threat you think I am to your independence.
It is your independence which is perhaps the single most thing I like about who you are. It epitomizes who you are, the very essence.
Whatever those xxyyyxxyyyx [a country's] men shy away from, you seem to know it is related to your strengths. They are afraid of your independence, they want someone who will do everything they ask. I believe that’s what you are saying. I want to discover more and share. The power of your search for … …
Also, this particular letter is couched in deferential language as I’m trying to elicit explanation though I don’t necessarily think the fault of any uncertainty is mine. That’s a little cringe-worthy because admitting you’re wrong is different from doing so without knowing to what wrong you’re admitting.
I suppose I’ll find the second page at some point.
I Try And Avoid …
I try and avoid the lame, “i don’t have time to write anything” posts because that’s the equivalent of thumb twiddling.
Still, I’m in a very good place right now - and on Oct. 5 i’m going to walk 5k for breast cancer awareness
and
and
and
so much
Bought a blazer for $9 from a lady who walked into the laundromat, probably pulled it- pants and tie off a dead person.
I paid off Dish bill and stopped service - the !@#$%s immediately ripped $300 out of my account because I hadn’t - within the hour on a Sunday apparently - giuven them back their damn boxes. I called and I will get the $300 back, but jeez, kinda messed up and paying power bill woulda been nice. Um, then today, after i’d just sent back the boxes in original box) they dropped off a new box at my house. Timing issues? Hello????
A week or so ago, someone rifled through my car - but not very hard because i chose that night to leave my cellphone in the car; most damage was to window frame. They somehow popped off a frame part and now air leaks through.
Pumped car tires up the other day @ Danny’s Shell station at Tatum Blvd. and Paradise Village Parkway.
And just now played a few games of this http://www.kongregate.com/games/arawkins/dolphin-olympics-2 and scored 312,000 on my 3rd game.
i had planned to go to bed early, so midnight sort of qualified. i also relaunched a site and .. and .. and, well more later. Heart goes out to Dagoddess who’s having a bit of a shit of a time.
That’s it for now. Not too much pitiful woes me lament on not posting … Goodnght luvs.
Cancer Does Not Cripple Love
I wrote the following in 2002 after I heard that a former fellow Grand Coulee volunteer firefighter and his wife were recently hit with cancer. Anne was the one who was recently diagnosed and I read about it in the paper where i started my journalism career.
Here’s what I wrote, reposting because I think it stands the test of time, otherwise I wouldn’t bother.
Cancer is limited
It does not cripple love
It does not shatter hope
It does not erase faith
It does not destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
it cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot conquer the spirit
It does not cripple love
It does not shatter hope
It does not erase faith
It does not destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
it cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot conquer the spirit
When I was 15 my grandfather died of cancer. James Robert Anderson. We were in England at the time and though my mother went to her father’s funeral I could not make it, though I can’t quite recall why, now.
I wrote something, a poem, and though I cannot remember what is in it, i have a copy of it somewhere. My mother said she read it and it made everyone cry. I think she also pointed out that it was a funeral and making people cry isn’t very hard at such occasions. Still, she said, people were deeply moved. To a 15-year-old not used to moving people emotionally, in a good way that means something.
I believe, I think, perhaps I want to believe because inspiration comes in many forms, that this was the start of me wanting to write for a career. I had seen and if not felt, then understood the power of words. It was that same year, though I’d have to look specifically as to when, when I started keeping a journal. I kept that up for 9 years until I just got too busy in the last year of college. But I have recorded the transformational years.
These lines to Anne and Steve I sent to the newspaper because I didn’t know their specific address. i knew my former boss knew them and they were easy to locate, but I never did hear back.
But these words stands the test of time to my very self-critical mind.
New Positions, New Chair, New Storm
I went to bed early Friday night and very early Saturday night for two, likely related reasons.
I had one of my rare headaches, though it started out as a mild neck ache. As I write, it still throbs a little on the opposite side, the right, from where it started at the base of my neck down and behind my ear.
Unfortunately most if it is due to the new chair at work, which pretty much just needs some adjusting I think but I haven’t got around to it, yet. Or, to be more accurate, I got myself crossed legged on the floor to try and adjust it and couldn’t immediately figure out how with the levers and the dials, the latter of which seemed to do nothing so they’re in actuality probably the key.
Heh, actuality.
I’m an awkward size for most desks. If I get a solid chair to sit up straight I’m way too high and spend all my time looking down. If I have a chair which eases back enough where I’m eye level, I have to scootch the chair right in to see some of the small print (7 pt in some cases) I have to type in.
I think the solution is to fix chair to stay upright and put more reams of paper under the dual monitors.
So it’s my problem, i just have to find the right setup but I’ve been so enthralled with the new job that I really haven’t noticed. But Friday it came to a head - my head and that’s because Arizona had a storm.
STORM MEDIA
i heard various voices on Twitter and the like say it was the worst they’d experienced. I believe that to be the phenomenon of dramatizing the latest. A storm in Eloy (about 60 miles south of Phoenix) was the worst I’ve been through. Lightning popped less than half a mile away, often. i could see it on the flat coming up from the ground. Also, the wind blew some vehicles over and due to the old, poorly kept up house we (at the time) were living in at the time huge billows of dust came inside. I have the dirty pictures (heh).
The storm Thursday lasted a long time and involved sustained lightning ripping into the clouds with a deep thunder that sounded comforting to me, almost like a satisfied cat purring.
I don’t have TV now so couldn’t watch anything. I did listen to infrequent updates on the radio but no one seemed super excited. I got most of my updates from other PHX Twitterers
THE DRIVE IN
I left early for work Friday morning because I wanted an early start on something due that day and because I had hours to make up from leaving early the day before to drop a friend off at the doctor’s office.
Immediately i heard that traffic lights were out in certain areas. I wasn’t sure if it was along my route but I quickly found out they were - they ALL were - as I came to a stop behind an SUV truck. I always like seeing what’s ahead so dislike following big anything where I can’t see. And I couldn’t see what turned out to be a long line of traffic.
Followed by another. And another.
I had to cross four temporary four-way stops which meant a lot of delay.
I’d just hear don the radio the “correct” way to navigate a four-way stop intersection. The advice included not crossing at the same time as the opposite traffic coming your way. Which is bullshit as that would seem a perfect time because the traffic the other direction already can’t go anywhere.
The thing that got to me was people following closely behind the guy in front as it was their turn to go. I flashed a finger or three because that was SO obviously causing the delays.
That and these intersections weren’t just eight lanes of traffic but 20 lanes coming together at once.
